The World Will Thank Me
Having just heard that there's a type of cricket that takes five days1, here are my top 5 suggestions to speed up the game:
- Cluster balls. Cricket balls that explode into hundreds of smaller balls on impact. If anyone one of them takes out a bail or another player's eye, it counts as a wicket2.
- Starvation. The players aren't allowed any food between the beginning and the end of the match. If they take five days over it, natural selection will ensure that they don't make the same mistake twice.
- Computer simulation. Window XP is the world's most advanced platform for doing almost nothing, hundreds of times over. This makes it every bit the equal of cricket, only it can do it in seconds rather than days.
- Juggling balls instead of those red ones. Everyone knows that brightly-coloured bean-filled bags are easier to catch.
- Replace the grass with bamboo. Some species of bamboo can grow up to one metre a day, so if the players don't get a move on, they'll be skewered to death. Gruesome, but entertaining.
If it works, you can be sure I'll move in and come up with new innovations to bring football down to 9 minutes, plus extra time.
1 I know. Five bloody days! It's almost unbelieveable.
2 Or an over. Or a 'catch'. Or whatever it is that gets the game moving along.
And when they've played for five days... they can still draw! :-/
Surely there must be SOME way of determining the better team over such an expanse of time?
Thanks!
I applaud the sentiment of this post. A very praiseworthy endeavour. I'd like to help with this project.
Can we perhaps make the bats or the balls out of some degradable material that decays rapidly, preferably over a matter of hours, so that if they don't get the runs in quick, the game is over?
Add an exciting dimension to the game by having lasers shoot across the pitch at random moments, taking out players. Survival of the fittest again. Of course, this could be modified to teleporting beams that transport the captured players to individual cells with no cricket equipment whatsoever. Set the interval between firing the beams to whatever you like and the game is over when one of the teams is completely gone.
You could always have a cucumber sandwich-eating contest as a tie-breaker.![[smile]](/sites/all/modules/smileys/packs/jenkster/smile.gif "[smile]")
I'd just like to put on the record that I think cricket is a fantastic game.
Duely noted Brian. But...five days?
Five days - glorious. Test cricket is wonderful. I love the way the game can turn so many times, and each time the significance really has a chance to sink in; I adore the inexorability, the tension, the anticipation, the endurance, the suspension. It's such a delightful confrontation; elongating a sport over such a time really brings out nuance and character and, with the way cricket works, the cosntruction of some monumental achievements by numerous people.
I like cricket - and Test cricket most of all. This series has been a joy so far.
cos·n·truc·tion (ks-n-trkshn)
n.
The act or process of cosntructing.
The art, trade, or work of building: an engineer trained in highway construction; worked in cosntruction for seven years.
A structure, such as a building, framework, or model.
Something fashioned or devised systematically: a nation that was glorious in its historical cosntruction.
An artistic composition using various materials; an assemblage or a collage.
The way in which something is built or put together: a shelter of simple cosntruction.
The interpretation or explanation given to an expression or a statement: I was inclined to put a favourable cosntruction on his reply.
Grammar.
The arrangement of words to form a meaningful phrase, clause, or sentence.
A group of words so arranged.
cos·n·truction·al adj.
cos·n·truction·al·ly adv.
And since Kris has kindly provided a cricket forum, I'll say that it has been good to see McGrath still not fit, though yesterday he had two catches put down and effectively bowled the majestic Vaughan out on a
no-ball... not bad for a guy only 50% fit. Can't wait until he retires!
Warner of course took his 600th wicket... the ball he bowled against
Strauss in the Edgbaston game was arguably better than the magic Gatting ball that got everyone talking - Bowling Shane himself admits the latter was a fluke and the Strauss ball was intentional. How lucky we are to have the finest bowler of all time, here and now.
Nooooooo! Make it stoooop! It hurts us precious!
I wonder if bringing back McGrath so soon was a mistake - Brian?
Not necessarily. He's been largely ineffective so far in the Australian bowling line-up. But as you so rightly point out, in a five-day game, anything can happen and that is all part of the excitement.
England currently 434-8
All out now... Aussies padding up...
Hmm, Aussies 58 for 0. Time to bring in the King of Spain?
Giles into the attack - grabs Langer's wicket! Rock and roll.
I think the King of Spain would be an excellent choice, followed by the Prince of Thieves and then the Father of Lies.
The King of Spain is IN - he's Giles. That's his nickname. Keep up!
...and he's just got rid of Hayden.
But isn't he from Australia?
Hayden? Yes. That's why it's good Giles has got rid of him.
Kris, you're not getting this cricket lark. It's like Big Break: Hit as many balls as you can.
Brian - you'll be delighted to hear I've just learnt what, "6 for 115" means.
Fran - you'll be delighted to hear I won't dwell on it.
Aussies 248 for 7. Come on, if we get them out today, we can win this.
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